Saturday, July 18, 2015

The House

Developer: Konsordo
Release Date: June 19, 2014
Genre: Adventure, Action (?), Horror (Steam Tags)

One Sentence Review:
Oh god, no, please don't make me play this, it's horrible, oh god, it sucks so bad, why is that jump scare just a stock image of a little girl poorly photo-shopped, oh god, no, why?

Good news, I didn't notice any bugs during my brief spell with this game. Bad news, if this is finely tuned gameplay then I'm the dictator of the universe. Speaking of which, you may now courtesy.

This game is basically a jump scare simulator without shame. You'll be hard pressed to have a 1 minute break before another jump scare attempts to shake you up. Now please take the word "attempts" and put every type of text formatting you can on it. Why? Because almost every jump scare in the game uses poorly doctored stock photos and free sounds that don't really mix well with them. So the jump scares aren't scary, bummer, so what about the atmosphere?

The atmosphere in this game would be nice if your light sources actually worked and the darkness was more scary and less annoying. Even in complete darkness humans can see a little bit and that's the reason darkness is scary in the first place. Because we can only see a little bit in complete darkness our eyes will play tricks on us and our imagination will make up for what our eyes can't see. In this game complete darkness is akin to being completely blind. Also the candles work light flashlights. Why do candles work like flashlights?

I only managed to play about half an hour of this game before calling it quits and shutting it off because I'd seen one too many doctored photos pop into a mirror and scream at me, but with my monumental brain power I have a theory on how gameplay progresses. I predict that eventually something will start chasing you that you will easily be able to outrun or that looks completely ridiculous. It's truly a burden to be as smart as I am... and to be able to notice those hiding spots in the area which are designated by swirling glowy particles. No, I am not kidding.

So I guess if you're  masochist go ahead and play this game, but personally I don't see this game being worth anything at any price. If you want indie horror go play Spooky's House of Jumpscares or something, but don't play this.

If you wish to disregard my polite advice and review you can purchase the game from the link below. You monster.